Hello and welcome to the first episode of VagQuest: The Podcast! VagQuest was created to bring support, personal insights, and levity to those on a journey with vaginismus and related pelvic floor dysfunction.
My name is Missi, and in this introductory episode, we’ll dive into my experience with vaginismus, my background, my personal thesis on vaginismus, and an overview of the tools I’ve developed to help others navigate their own journeys.
With that, let’s dive in!
My personal story starts the same as so many: The first time I had intercourse, I quickly realized something was not right, and subsequent experiences followed suit— it was possible, but it was uncomfortable at best and painful at worst. Gynecological visits were the same— I would power through and cry in the car afterward. Tampons were (and still are) variable— sometimes they’re totally fine, other times, when I’m stressed, I’m highly aware of their presence or it’s like my body is pushing them out.
Despite so many things— the fact that I felt really passionate about women’s health, I actively volunteered for a women’s health nonprofit that promoted reproductive health and education, or the fact that if a friend had told me she was struggling, I would have told her to tell her doctor— despite all this, I didn’t say anything to anyone until my early thirties after getting sober. I know so many of you out there have been told by medical providers to just relax and have a glass of wine, and I have a lot of thoughts on that, but that is a whole other episode.
My gynecologist at the time quickly referred me to my first PT, who was lovely, shout out to Kelly of Elite Physical Therapy in Charlotte, NC. As a former dancer and a yoga teacher, I took to my exercises and in many ways made progress quickly, but I plateaued. I struggled with manual work and moving beyond my first dilator, which was a little larger than the thickness of a super tampon. Over time, I started to realize I had some things I needed to work through emotionally. I had some well-intentioned but not great medical experiences for about a 3-5 year period in my childhood, and some personal experiences in my adulthood that I suspected were related to my inability to progress. So I stopped PT and focused on therapy. Therapy was helpful in that it got me talking about things I hadn’t ever shared with someone before, but it didn’t really do much for me in terms of integrating those experiences and helping me move through them— I started to feel like I was stuck in a never ending loop.
Cue the pandemic and my deep dive into all things self-help, introspection, habits, behavior change, and somatics— this was an interest that had been brewing since my early 20s. It’s not necessarily what drew me to yoga— I was a former dancer who wanted a workout— but it was the thing that kept me practicing and studying. It informed my master’s degree in strategic communication, where I went rogue and focused on health, behavior change, and technology. During the pandemic, I did all the things— I worked with a life coach, a love coach, I did shadow work, inner child work, somatic healing, chakra healing, reiki— I’m forgetting some things but you get the picture. This was my pandemic sourdough.
Fast forward— I had moved to a different city, so I had to find a new PT, shout out to Hollie. And I think she was a little confused why I was there. I had been sparingly doing exercises and dilating, so I didn’t realize how much progress I’d made— even though I had more work to do, I’d actually skipped a few dilator sizes. So I kept up with the PT, but I also kept up with everything else I’d been exploring. I’d done a lot of emotional release during those years. I learned to view and respond to things completely differently than a former version of me would have. In many ways, I was a different person, and that person that I had become had a different pelvic floor.
I started reflecting on everything I’d done that I think moved the needle on my progress. And that’s when it really hit me— vaginismus is actually a whole body experience and demands a whole body approach. By a Western medical definition, it's classified as a psychological disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or the DSM, but it’s often identified by a gynecologist and diagnosed and treated by a physical therapist. This feels like incomplete treatment given it’s classification. Now don’t get me wrong, gynecologists and pelvic floor PTs are the unsung heroes of this world and if you have access to one, get there as fast as you possibly can. But for me and so many others, a physical approach and PT was just one piece of the puzzle. I couldn’t make progress through exercise and dilating alone— they’re what got me started and took me across the finish line, but in between, I had to dig deep into my past, heal some trauma, release some pent up emotions, build my confidence and sense of self worth, and essentially rewrite my foundational belief systems. No big deal.
I also realized that a lot of things I was learning from medical providers, therapists, coaches— from the Western to the woo— were things I had already learned over the years through yoga and similar modalities— physical and philosophical practices I either hadn’t been paying attention to or just didn’t really understand the depth of until going through this experience. A lot of those tools are really accessible in terms of being able to use them on your own, and I knew I wanted to make them available to more people. So I started building out content, and that’s how my programs and eventually this podcast came to be.
If you’re struggling with vaginismus and interested in learning more, make sure to subscribe and follow this podcast. This is a free resource to help you navigate your journey through much of the same content I offer in my programs.
If you’re interested in accessing the full suite of tools right now, visit yogaforvaginismus.com where I offer a few different workshops.
The Vaginismus Starter Kit is a free resource that provides a series of foundational exercises through yoga, dilating, and self-reflection.
There’s also a monthly membership which includes Yoga for Vaginismus, Divine Dilating, and VagQuest.
Yoga for Vaginismus is a library of asana, breathwork, and other non-yoga movement practices designed to support people with vaginismus. You’ll learn how to use different types of movement and breathwork to regulate your nervous system, as well as exercises you can do to relax or strengthen your pelvic floor.
Divine Dilating is a library of what I call Power Practices, which are guided meditations to use while doing manual work or dilating.
The last part of the membership is VagQuest, which is a series of modules to help you do all the things I wish I had known would have an impact on my pelvic floor before I started my own journey. Through these modules you’ll learn how to regulate your nervous system, deconstruct limiting beliefs, express your emotions, tap into creativity and sensuality, build your confidence, connect with others, confidently communicate with partners/medical providers/others in your support network, and finally, connect with your intuition and find a deeper sense of purpose through your experience with vaginismus.
I’d like to keep these episodes fairly brief and digestible, so we’ll end there for now. In the next episode, we’ll dive a layer deeper into the tools I used in that beautiful messy middle part of my own experience, which I built into VagQuest, many of which I still use today when I’m feeling challenged.
Again, if you want more information and access to these tools now, you can visit yogaforvaginismus.com, where you can sign up for the free Vaginismus Starter Kit, or the monthly Y4V membership.
Until next time, take deep breaths into your lower rib cage and lower back, and wiggle out anything you’re holding onto from your day. Peace.
